


Sex on the Beach

by tryceratops



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-10 13:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3292196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tryceratops/pseuds/tryceratops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy learns the hard way that sex on the beach isn't as fun as they make it look in the movies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex on the Beach

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where this came from, but I regret nothing.

“Never again.” Darcy groaned, leaning back in the stiff waiting room chair. Sitting was painful, but they’d already been waiting for an hour and standing for that long was killer too.

“You have my apologies. If I had realized…”

“We both probably should’ve thought about it. But it seemed like a good at the time.”

“It certainly felt like a good idea at the time.” Sif smiled at her and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. Darcy blushed and glanced around the waiting room, but no one was looking at them, all too engrossed in their phones, books, magazines, or screaming children to notice the totally gay action going on over in their corner.

Darcy shifted to lean in for a kiss, causing her jeans to rub against her in oh such a painful way that she instead sucked in a breath and muttered “fuck” under her breath. “God I should’ve worn a skirt.”

“You said it was too cold for a skirt.”

“Cold down there would be _really nice_ right about now.”

“Is it truly that painful?”

“It burns. _Burns_.”

“It can’t be that much longer.”

“There are still three people ahead of us. I counted.” She winced as she moved again, causing her jeans to rub against her painfully once more.

“It is a very inefficient system, to make you wait like this. What if someone is gravely injured?”

“Then they go to the ER and get triaged up to the top of the list.”

“But you?”

“Sketchy crotch rashes don’t count as urgent.”

The man seated next to her, who had up to this point been too engrossed in his magazine to pay attention to them, apparently heard that and turns his head to glare at Darcy, who in turn resists the urge to stick her tongue out at him, instead just giving him a deadpan “what?”

Darcy shifts in her chair again and winces. “It’s itchy, too.” She lets out a high-pitched whine. “My god, whose idea was last night?”

“Yours, I believe.”

“I hate myself.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

“What, that sand plus vaginas equals bad idea? I probably should’ve figured that one out.”

“You said that it happens all the time.”

“In movies. Where dudes always give women orgasms and the girl wakes up with perfect hair and makeup every morning. They’re not really known for their accuracy when it comes to romance.”

“You said there was a drink named after it.”

“Yeah, and just because it’s delicious doesn’t mean that sex on the beach is _actually a good idea._ There’s also a drink named a screwdriver, but I’m not about to jam one of those up my cu—“ The man sitting beside her cleared his throat loudly, giving Darcy another evil stare. “Whatever dude.” She muttered to him, crossing her arms and leaning back against the chair in a huff, managing not to chafe the sore-bits too much.

They sat in silence for a few minutes until Darcy got itchy again. “Goddamnit, don’t you have some magical Asgardian cream or something I can use to make this feel better?”

“Believe me, if I did, I would have given it to you ten times over by now.”

Darcy grumbled and fidgeted in her chair, letting out a loud sigh of relief when the nurse came out and called her name. Sif stood and offered her a hand, which Darcy gratefully took to help herself up, before walking bow-legged after the nurse, down the hall and into an exam room. Sif took the chair in the corner of the room and Darcy hopped up onto the examination table.

“Where is the doctor?” Sif inquired after the nurse left them there.

“Got to wait for them. This means we’re next, though.”

“You wait, and then they take you into another room to wait some more?”

“I know right? Pain in the ass. Hah.” She laughed to herself at the pun. Sif didn’t appear to find it as funny.

There was a knock on the door and the doctor—male, of course—stepped into the room. “Hello Miss… Lewis.” He greeted after checking his chart. “How are you doing today?” He glanced at Sif in the corner, but said nothing to her.

“Awful.” Darcy half-groaned.

“What seems to be the problem?”

“I, uh, have a…. rash.”

“Alright, let’s see it.”

“It’s, uh….” She gestured at her crotch vaguely.

“Oh. Okay.” He cleared his throat. “Any new sexual partners in the past few weeks?”

She looked at Sif and shook her head. “Nope.”

The doctor glanced over at Sif and appeared to put two and two together. “Ah, and your… partner? Have you had any new sexual partners recently?”

Sif shook her head. “Just Darcy.”

“I don’t think it’s an STD or a yeast infection or whatever.” Darcy added. “It’s, uh more likely… We, uh, had sex on a beach two nights ago. Sand got…. Places.”

“Lots of places.” Sif piped up. Darcy rolled her eyes and gave Sif a ‘really?’ look.

“I see.” The doctor said, glancing down at his chart again. “Well, there are lots of things that can happen from sex on a beach. It can increase your chances of contracting many STIs, and things that live in the sand—fleas, for example—can often find pubic hair as a comfortable nesting ground.”

“Oh my god.” Darcy groaned and buried her face in her hands.

If she didn’t know better, she’d swear Sif was trying hard not to laugh.

“I’ll need to take a look to be sure, but we’ll probably want to do urine and blood tests as well, to rule out STI’s or a urinary tract infection.”

“Wonderful.”

He pulled a gown out of a drawer. “If you’d like to get undressed, I’ll wait outside. Would you like a female nurse to come in to supervise the examination?”

“No, I’ll be okay.” She said, rather dejected. She hated gyno check-ups. Who didn’t?

The doctor nodded and exited the room, leaving Darcy and Sif alone.

 “I hate my life.” She said to Sif once he was gone, before hopping off the examination table to remove her pants and underwear, and then pulling the gown on. Sif watched this all with passive amusement. “I’m glad one of us is enjoying my suffering. Why didn’t you get a sketchy flea infestation? You got some magic flea-repelling vag or something?”

“I suppose it must have been luck.”

“Asgardian vag is more like it.”

Sif laughed quietly to herself. “I suppose it must have been.”

The doctor knocked on the door . “Ready!” Darcy called out to him, hopping back up onto the exam table and wincing when it rubbed the wrong way against her crotch.

The door opened and the doctor stepped in, closing the door behind himself and stepping over to the sink in the corner of the room to wash his hands. He pulled the stirrups out from the bed before going over to the sink to carefully wash his hands and pull on latex gloves.

“Now, feet in the stirrups, please.” Darcy sighed and slipped her feet into place, and lay back, turning her head so she could look at Sif. Sif gave her an encouraging smile, and it was comforting until she felt the doctor pull her gown back and heard him suck in a sharp intake of breath.

“That can’t be good.”

“I…. to be honest, I’ve never seen anything quite like it before…”

“Of course not. Because that would just be my luck.”

“It doesn’t look like an STI to me, I’d say you picked up a bug or two.”

Darcy groaned.

“We’ll still run blood and urine tests just to be sure, but I have a topical cream I think will help get rid of whatever you have living there.” He dropped her gown and pulled off his gloves, washing his hands in the sink again. “I’ll give you a prescription for a couple other things to help with the itchiness and the pain.”

“Oh thank you Jesus.” Darcy sat up, letting out a sigh of relief. “Does that stuff work, like, instantly?”

“It should help with the itching almost immediately, yes.” He scribbled something out on a prescription pad. “Get dressed, and then see the nurse for your blood and urine samples. If the tests come back with anything, I’ll call you. Otherwise, if it doesn’t clear up in ten days, come back to see me.”

“Thanks, doc.” She gave him a mock-salute and a nod.

“Have a good day, Miss Lewis.” He said as he handed her the prescription.

“Thanks.” She repeated.

The doctor left and Darcy hopped down, pulled the gown off, and pulled her underwear and jeans back on, wincing at the pressure from the seam in the crotch of her jeans.  

“That’s all?”

“Well, they have to Dracula me and make me pee in a cup, and then I’ll be free as a bird.”

“That was a long wait for such a short examination.”

“I know, right? It’s a little ridiculous. Would’ve taken longer for me to get an appointment though, so what can you do?”

Once she was decent, Darcy led Sif back out to the waiting room and peered around for the nurse, who waved at her. Darcy walked as normally as she could over to the room the nurse was standing in. It only took about ten minutes total for the nurse to take the blood and for her to pee in a cup, and then leave.

“Oh my god let’s get that prescription, and then I don’t care if I have to go into a sketchy gas station bathroom, I am putting that shit on ASAP.”

Sif laughed at her. “You might catch something new from a “sketchy gas station bathroom”.”

“Ew, don’t even joke.” Darcy shoved her with one arm.

* * *

 

When they got back to Darcy’s apartment (cream freshly applied in the not-so-sketchy public restroom of the pharmacy), Darcy sighed and flopped down on the couch. “I hate everything.” She sighed and glanced at Sif, “Present company excluded.”

Sif smiled and sat down on the corner of the couch Darcy was not occupying. “Perhaps I can kiss it better?”

Darcy’s hands went straight to covering her crotch. “You’re not going anywhere near there until it’s all nice and healed up.”

Sif laughed. “I meant more something along the lines of this.” She leaned down to kiss Darcy’s lips.

When she pulled back, Darcy was smiling. “That I can deal with.”


End file.
